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The first rule of great growling is this: Start at the top and work your way down - gradually.  

  A consumer's guide to Oral Sex
...Or One swallow doesn't make a hummer.

by Rose Cooper
down under with Rose main pagedown under with Rose  
  Going down. Giving Head. Dining at the Y. The concept of performing oral sex either makes you shiver with anticipation...or sheer terror. Although it's not exactly family dinner conversation, this rather personal subject has become about as mundane as the weather. Everybody's doin' it! These days no-one even blinks if, when Grandma stoops to pick up her dropped hanky - dear ol' Grandad chortles: "Ahem, while you're down there, Mildred". It now seems inconceivable that oral sex was once considered an exotic fetish, reserved for the sexually adventurous. It was even against the law. ("Honestly Officer, I just tripped and kinda fell face-down in his lap!")

So the pressure's on. If a person is to be considered good value in the sack they must go down. It's as simple as that - damned if you don't. Although, if you pour over your Seinfeld chronicles on the subject, you're also damned if you do. Remember when poor old George was so confounded by the nuances of going the growl that he begged Jerry to share his technique - featuring the famous 'counter-clockwise swirl'? George then used it on his new girlfriend with great success. Of course his triumph was short-lived when the girlfriend discovered he'd actually written instructions on his hand to use for reference during The Act. Appalled, she leapt from the bed leaving a pitiful George screaming in her wake: "How else did you expect me to remember it all!"

Then there was the episode with Elaine's new boyfriend, the musician . He was a flautist who refused to play any tunes on her instrument - fearing it would affect his flute playing. Elaine wondered if this were sufficient grounds to drop him. By the end of the episode she had her way, and while she'd taught him a thing or two about reciprocity, his lips were rendered totally fucked and he couldn't play a note. Hmm. The Seinfeld writers seem to be throwing around a bit of anti-cunnilingus propaganda - Please, don't make us do it, it's just too damn difficult! To use the vernacular: What's up with that?

Could it be, that despite the fact this practice is on the tip of everyone's tongue - some of us could use more practice? Yes, Virginia - there really is such a thing as a bad blow-job. Receiving truly sublime head can be a Holy Grail for women and men. In other words, when it comes to oral sex, some of us really suck.

It goes without saying that the best way to please your partner is to ask how - but the problem is, some of us are not only too shy too ask, we're also too shy to tell. So for the benefit of wannabe Sword Swallowing and Muff Diving Legends everywhere, here's a few tips you didn't learn in biology class. While you're boning up on the following facts, bear one thing in mind: while we all may differ in our sensual preferences, the following BASIC tips refer to the average sensitivities of the 'general' population. Also, we don't have the space to list the multitude of erogenous zones that are also worthy of good tongue lashing...but that's no excuse for you not to seek them out.

How to be simply Faabulous at Fellatio...

Although I fancy myself at fellatio, I'm a chick...ergo, I have no dick. So for this section I've consulted a very interesting tome: Sex Tips For Straight Women from a Gay Man by Dan Anderson (Allen & Unwin, 1997). It's chockers with great insight on how to satisfy a man in bed - which is important apparently (kidding) - and who better to tell you how to handle the family jewels than someone who's been polishing 'em all his life? (All comments made in parenthesis which follow, are the arrogant indignation of yours truly).

Here's what Dan says: "If you're starting out with Mr. Softee, (what is it with dick names?) you should have no trouble putting the whole thing in your mouth while you gently suck and lick. Don't start moving your mouth up and down until he's at least semi-erect. Make a ring around the base of the shaft with your hand, which will help him grow hard quicker. Now...take a sip of water and kneel between his legs so you can show respect for his prized possession (oh brother!). Put both hands into an 'L' position around the base of his shaft. Lick the whole tip, and then use your tongue to lick up and down the sides. Now it should be slick enough to slide into your mouth easily. (Well, there you go, pre-lubing before the main event - who knew?) Covering your teeth with your lips, and keeping your mouth taut, glide the head inside and lick the sensitive spot underneath with both the tip and the flat part of your tongue - like what you would use on your favorite flavor of ice cream cone. Still covering your teeth and maintaining your pressure, proceed down the shaft as far as you can go in one fell-swoop. Women usually think it's better to go up and down, letting a little more into their mouths each time. That's for amateurs (ahem, well...pardon me!). Let him know right away that you're going to take good care of him. Relax the muscles in your neck and jaw as much as possible. Try to breathe through your nose. Being in this position allows you to control how far in it goes. Pull your mouth back up the entire length of the shaft right over the ridge of the tip. He'll love the sensation of your lips popping over this ridge Take it out of your mouth for a second, and go right back down. This will give you a chance to breathe. (Yes! Breathing is good)

"Continue the full up-and-down-the-entire-shaft motion at a sensual slow, pace. Once you get bored with this, usually after about two or three minutes (he said that - I didn't) it's time to start using your hand. One hand will always remain at the base of the penis to keep it in place. With the other hand, make a ring with your thumb and forefinger, and follow the movement of your lips up and down. Maintain the slow pace. Remember to breathe when you get to the top. When you're ready to make him really moan, combine *hand-strokes with mouth strokes - still maintaining a slow, steady pace..."

He also suggests roaming over the rest of his body with lips, mouth and tongue. "Stopping (the head-job), starting, stopping and starting again will make for a bigger, better and much more powerful orgasm..." (For his information, this technique use to make an ex-lover of mine really stroppy. But hey - I'm a girl, what would I know?)

Basically he suggests that once you're ready to make him come, he'll be ready too. "Go into a fast ring technique-mouth combo. Gay men who at one time had sex with women say the difference is that women rarely go hard and fast enough toward the end (well, men have bigger neck and arm muscles, don't they?). When he's ready to let rip, move your head out of the way, or prepare to swallow (see Gargle, Spit, Swallow...or Duck? below). Keep stroking with your hand until it's over. Don't forget to stop after a few spurts. It's a rare guy who likes his penis held immediately after ejaculation. Now might be an excellent time to mention an engagement ring, or suggest that trip to Paris you've been wanting..." (Hey, again, his words not mine!) Dan also suggests a few fun ideas to incorporate into your repertoire:

Dick Whipping - slap his dick lightly against your mouth or the side or your face.

Hummers - Yes, humming or moaning during a heady will actually create a vibrating sensation.

Tinglers - try a putting a little mouthwash in your mouth, releasing it slowly as you go down on him, or ice water is also a groovy sensation. Apply the ice directly to the shaft and your warm mouth "will feel like a cashmere blanket to him". Um, color me nasty but only a gay dude would come up with a phrase like that.

* Dan also describes the ideal hand-job technique in his book.

Gargle, Spit, Swallow...or Duck?

"Gay men never swallow." (Gulp - surely you're kidding!) Believe it or not, it's what Dan says, and what Dan says, goes. "Besides being somewhat unsafe, it also takes away the thrill of seeing someone ejaculate." (Ah-ha! This explains the ever popular "money shot" in porno’s). He goes on to say that most women don't really get off on such images and agrees that some straight men do make a big deal out of swallowing. (Do they what!). Dan recommends that if we choose to swallow it's purely our decision. If we don't, then it's not the end of the world; "...especially since you will have just given him the most spectacular, mind-blowing, spine-tingling BJ he's ever had." Right-on Dan my man! There - you read it here second.

  Fellatio Do's and Don'ts

Do: Be enthusiastic. There's no point doing it if you're not into it. "Some chicks think you'll be grateful if they duck down there for a couple of quick slurps - it just makes you feel putrid. I'd prefer it if they didn't bother" - Matt, 27.

Do: Keep your throat as straight as possible and breath deep through your nose - this should help alleviate the gagging reflex. Although if God meant for us to give really deep throat she would have put a few thousand extra nerve endings on that dangly thing.

Do: Add plenty of saliva on your finger and thumb when employing the ring technique. If your mouth needs a break your hand can take over without skipping a beat.

Don't: Draw blood. Keep those fangs covered with your lips! You want him to moan in ecstasy, not agony.

  How to be Clever at Cunnilingus

Before I get down to it, it's worthy to note some important facts. Firstly, a significant proportion of women find climaxing difficult. Some only climax via manual or oral stimulation. Therefore, cunnilingus represents more than just an entree to a lot of women. It's actually the main course. When Dan said women were 'amateurish' in their too-subtle approach to fellatio, I felt like he'd been reading my male. Women like to tease because that's the way we like it. Oh sure, there may be rare occasions a woman wants her man to go down straight away - but a man should never (that's NEVER) skip the preliminaries unless she says to. Not only is it inappropriate cunnilingus etiquette to dive in head-first, she may feel pressured into having a quick (inferior) orgasm, or worse - a fake orgasm, because she's too intimi dated to speak up.

Let's face it, most guys would love being "attacked" in a spontaneous fellating frenzy after little more than a handshake - this is why they usually get carried away much too soon when giving head. A woman's sexuality is so much more than the sum of her private parts. Good head starts inside the head. Without creating the right mood, all the oral dexterity in the world isn't worth a drop of spit. The first rule of great growling is this: Start at the top and work your way down - gradually.

By all means drop hints that you're heading South, but keep her guessing as to how and when you're going to get there. Take your time. Stroke, Kiss, lick, and nibble her all the way. As you draw closer to your target, she'll probably arch her moot towards your mouth, but don't take this as a cue to hone in for the kill. If you really want to drive her nuts, breathe on her, keep your mouth hovering close - but stay just out of reach. (Take your time) Lick and kiss her inner-thighs and the outer extremities of the vulva and the top of her mound. When neither of you can take any more, lick your lips, and then lick hers. Imagine you're back up there at her face and kiss her labia the same way. (Oh yeah, and take your time). Women have centuries of extremely low cunt-esteem to overcome. By kissing the most intimate part of her, you're offering her acceptance in its most basic form. There is no bigger turn on for a woman (or a man for that matter) than her complete surrender. When you do, finally, slip the tongue, be gentle at first. By this time her clit should be engorged and ultra-sensitive. Encircle it lightly (clock-wise, counter clockwise - whatever). Lick the sides, top and underside. Steer clear of the tip, and don't try retracting the clitoral hood to get a better shot at it - it's just too sensitive. She will probably wriggle around a bit to help you find the right spot and then - like a deer caught in headlights - she'll stop still. Eureka - you've hit *The Spot! Some women may continue to writhe around, but those who have difficulty achieving orgasm will probably remain still, in deep concentration at this stage. I don't recommend Dan's "Stop, start" technique in this case - she'll probably hit you. When she's on the verge of coming, (the Plateau phase, or as I like to call it, the Oh-zone) she'll want you to maintain exactly whatever it is you're doing, whether it's at a slow, medium or fast tempo. Any variation in pace might knock her back a few pegs and she'll have to claw her way back to the oh-zone. As this phase can last anything from a nano-second to upwards of ten minutes, you'll understand how frustrating this can be for the elusive ones. Once the point of inevitability has been reached (meaning she's gonna come regardless of what you do at this point) her breathing will quicken, she may or may not moan but the actual orgasm will result in several detectable vaginal contractions. Like men, women prefer you to disengage your tongue at this point - the clitoris being at it's most sensitive. However, if your mate is particularly orgasmic, you may find that after a break of at least 30 seconds, she is ready for you to give her another (or a succession of) much quicker, but sometimes more intense orgasms. Or she'll be begging for your dick. Either way, pat yourself on the back for a job well done.

* The Spot varies from woman to woman and from orgasm to orgasm. In other words, there aint no Spot! What worked on her the last time, or the last ten times, may not necessarily work the next time - swirl or no swirl. Just think of each session as an adventure for both of you. Besides - variety is the spice.

Here are a few fun ideas of my own:

Lick, sip, suck - Explore a different location each time. She might like it if you lick further down around her vagina or suck lightly on her clit like it's a miniature dick.

Bummers - Turn her over so she's lying on her stomach, lie on your stomach between her legs and go at it from that angle. It feels 'naughtier' (read: hornier) and your chin and nose provide extra titillation around the perineum area.

Ticklers - Gently incorporate your fingers into the action. Stroke the topside of her mound while you're licking on the underside and vice-versa. Insert your fingers by all means, but tease her first and let her reaction guide you.

Cunnilingus Dos and Don'ts

Do: Talk to her. Tell her how nice she smells, feels tastes. Flattery will get you everywhere.

Do: Lick don't flick. Ignore those porn growlers with their butterfly flicking licks - that's for amateurs. We want to feel your whole tongue - it makes us think about what you're doing as well as feel it, therefore stimulating that main erogenous zone - the brain.

Do: Maintain 'contact' with her top half. Loving eye contact, breast fondling and handholding are nice ways to make her feel less like a life-support system for her cunt.

Don't: Suck hard or bite. We're talking super-sensitive equipment here.*Side bar: A word to the wise: If you're hoping to be made a meal of, have a wash first - we all smell and taste nicer after a tub. And trim that bush (this means you too guys). Nothing spoils the mood quicker than pausing to cough up a fur-ball.


Lip Service: This is what you said:

"I love going the growl. The trouble is, some chicks just won't loosen up and let you do it." - John, 22.

"Giving head is a real power-trip for me. I get off when my guy holds the back of my head and gently fucks my mouth. I feel like the ultimate pleasure giver." - Dianne, 42

"I love being teased, I sometimes get so worked up, I come before his tongue even touches my clit." - Janine, 37

"The most sensitive part of my cock is the underside of the base, where it meets my balls. I love her to lick me there slowly with a flattened tongue." Simon - 26

"I love getting tongue-fucked. It's not that I'm really sensitive in that area, it's just the idea that he's sticking his tongue up where it shouldn't go that makes me crazy." Leanne, 28

"She does this thing where she rubs her wet palm on my knob while she licks my shaft. It feels like two mouths. Heaven." Aarron - 32

"He darts his tongue from my clit down to tease my butt-hole. He doesn't actually go in there, but he likes to make me think that he might - and I'm totally gone." - Lenora, 33

When in doubt, think of what you like and do the opposite.

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